San Bernandino

Another day, another terrorist attack in the US. But they won't call it terrorism, unless it turns out all the shooters were brown.

And the problem is those Syrian refugees. People will fight tooth and nail to prevent them, the victims of many attacks and of war from even entering our country, but talk about gun control and they will fight just as hard to ensure that all Americans have access to as many guns and as many kinds as they could possibly imagine.

Last year and the year before and the year before, etc, around 30,000 people died as a result of guns. In the US last year, 8 people died of acts they called terrorism. 8. But God forbid you mention gun control. God forbid you talk about making it harder for people to buy and sell guns.

Why we should greet refugees with open arms

You want to know how to create a terrorist.

First, you've got to have hate. Not them hating us. But us hating them, all of them, indiscriminately. Don't forget that it is us vs them. That they are not part of the "Best Country of the World" but are separate, are lesser.

Then, you've got to take away their chance at a life again. Take away help. Take away a safe place.

Next, make sure that they are demonized, not just the terrorists, but the whole people.

Now, make sure that they live in refugee camps where you are just as likely to raped as to leave it. Where your neighbors live in tents that are feet from your own.

Don't forget to blame them for the world's problems.

Don't forget to promise violence against all, innocent and terrorist.

So, now, you've stripped them of hope. You've forced them to live in horrible conditions. You have done as much or worse than a terrorist ever did to them. And now, to a kid, to a teenager, we are the enemies. We are the ones worthy of their hate.

Because what choice did we give them?

Paris

France is vowing a ruthless response.

To do what? Incite another terrorist attack? I mean, that's why IS attacked France in the first place.

How about a measured response? How about a response that pushes away the emotion from losing people and takes into account that IS is made up of people, people that are joining on a daily basis? Joining because they have seen their OWN families killed. Joining because they feel increasingly marginalized by a world that labels Muslims terrorists, regardless of the evidence.

This anti-Islamic culture that occurs in all "civilized" countries has to stop. Because you know who committed these acts? An army. Who yeah, are made up of Muslims, but does that mean that it was Christians who attacked people in Afghanistan by the US army?

No, Islam is not the enemy.

Hate is the enemy.

Hate is what we need to fight.

And you know what fights hate?

I'll give you a hint. It's not hate.

Hate does nothing but create more hate. Like how the US knocked out Al Qaeda with hate after 9/11...right?

No, what fights hate is love and light. And today, and everyday, I pledge to stand with France in love and support and I pledge not to hate those who are not connected, because if I turn the other cheek. If I pledge my love, they do not win today. Or tomorrow. They will never win if I am committed to love.

Random Things

It's my last day of work.  I am so proud of myself for making it the whole way.  Two months ago, I wasn't I would be able to, but I did. I committed to a year of service and today, I met that goal.

Thank god.


Yesterday, my little cousin's fiance was arrested for attempted murder of his mom.  Which sucks. What sucks even worse is that my cousin has a 2 month old baby with her fiance.  But what sucks the most, is that my little cousin's father was in and out of jail her whole life. I can only hope that we don't know something in the story, something that allows for this young man to be innocent.


This week, my mother-in-law got really mad at my sister-in-law. They are trying to figure out Christmas plans and my mother-in-law just does not understand that holidays are not great times to come visit and stay.  I wish she would consider staying after Thanksgiving, instead of the week of Christmas. Because my in-laws are divorced, we already have three holiday celebrations and yet, Wendy wants to be here for that week, when SIL is not even going to be home.  If she stayed after Thanksgiving, she would be here for her birthday and SIL's, as well as the first few weeks of winter and she would get to spend so much more time with the nephews. But no, it has to be Christmas, where she'll get to spend barely any time with the whole family.

9/11

It happened 14 years ago.  Which means, as of today, I've been alive about for 14 years before 9/11 and 14 years after.

It's crazy. Because sometimes, it feels like yesterday, like I just woke up and the world changed that day.  Some days, it feels like there has never been a time before 9/11.  Never been a time when terrorism was not in everyone's weekly vocabulary. Never been a time when traveling to a famous landmark is not without memories of 9/11 and fears of continued terrorism.  Of continued fear.

In some ways, we've recovered. We've moved on.  Our daily lives are not affected.

But in others, we're stuck in a cycle of fear. Stuck fearing that this will happen again.  Which has led to us fighting wars to prevent terrorism.

But, you know, hate cannot win against hate.  Hate and violence will only breed war and terrorism and that's where we make mistakes.

So today, on this memory of a tragedy, I choose love.  Because love can beat war and violence.  Love will lead to peace and that is what we need to focus on.

14 years later...

Sympathy Cards

At my workplace, we send a sympathy card around the office and everyone signs it for any death in the family.  We send them to our business partners. All staff receive one for close deaths.  All staff, except me.

My grandmother died 3 months ago and I never received a card from the staff.  And now, every time I sign one, I think, what about me? Do I not matter?  And it shouldn't be a big deal.  It's just a card. But it hurts. And it effects my grief process.  Because every single time I sign one of those damn cards, I remember my grandma and how no one thought to comfort me after her death.  And most of these thoughts aren't their fault.  It's me, I know that I'm like this, but even still. One moment of comfort from a staff that I've know for 9 months(at the time) is all I am and was asking for.

And that's something my site is bad at.  They are bad at making me feel like my time is valuable, like I matter.  And it's the major reason that even though I am having bad luck with the job search, I will not work here again.  Because my managers don't value me.  They take advantage and treat me like less than the rest of the staff.

Americorps

Do a year of service, they said.  You'll learn a lot, they said.

Well, I'm 10 months in and what have I learned?  That the organization that I am working for is crap at managing its people, its time, and its money.

That when a big project is due soon, they use me and the other Americorps member to do it, because we don't cost them money.

In fact, that's what we do mostly, is anything that would take up too much time of any of the paid employees.  I find job leads, because the main employment navigator has too many other responsibilities(some of which are supposed to be mine).

What else have I learned?  Oh right, that I am not valuable as an employee here, but at the same time, somehow irreplaceable.  If I am so irreplaceable, don't shove stuff on my plate without asking me. Don't assume that I have loads of time to do a project without asking me.  Don't give me a project and tell me that it is super important and not reply to my emails.  Don't ask me how much time I have left on the project and frown when I give my best estimate without offering help or suggestions.  Don't give me feedback on a project at the end when I have been asking clarifying questions, which you ignored, the whole time.

If you want me to do something, treat me as a real employee.  Because I am and you are misusing me.

My In-Laws

First, they can't plan anything to save their lives and Kevin drops everything that we had planned(all it was was a quiet night in, which we haven't had in 5 days and which this introvert desperately needs to recover, but obviously that doesn't matter to him) to spend time with them. 

I mean, I understand that his mom is here and she lives in New York, yet we just spent a day with her in NYC and he spent Thursday with her.  But he had planned today with her and then what, decides no I'm not gonna do that, instead I'll make my wife feel guilty for not driving half an hour in rush hour traffic to spend time with the whole fam-damn-ily.

But second, I don't think they like me.  Not like they hate me, but that they definitely think that I'm not really part of the family.  That I'm just an outsider. 

Hellooooo!! We've been married for 4 years and together for 4 more.  I'm part of the stupid family.

And every time something like this happens, I feel like they judge me a bit more.  Like, they think I don't like them.  And I do like them, but I need down time and we've already got three nights booked this week.  And we had 4 nights last week and 4 nights the week before.  I'm run down.  I haven't been able to recharge and now, here I am, making this separation a little bigger by just being an introvert.

And on a different topic, this last weekend we went to my sister-in-law's in-laws' cabin and I got all bit up by mosquitoes.  Through my clothes.  Through the bug spray.  All over.  And I itch.  And it is driving me insane.

Sorry for the rant, but I've got no place else to rant. I don't have enough introverts in my life.

Funeral

The pastor made one remark at the funeral that made me mad.  He said that my Grandma was a perfect mom to her kids.  And maybe to three of them.  But not to my mom.  She was cold to my mom, not loving like she was to the others.  She always treated my mom as second best.  As something less.

And when my dad thanked my grandma for giving him my mom, well, that's probably the best thing she ever did for my mom.  Not a lot, just life.

And maybe she was better in her head, but she was never really that great.

So every time I see my mom, I always tell her how much I appreciate her, because she is great and I know that she works hard to be that great.

My grandma died

On Sunday, my mother took her mom to the emergency room.  On Tuesday, the doctors said she was going to die.  And they we waited.  We waited as her breathing slowed, my mother next to her, me many miles away.  We waited as her heart rate changed.

And then, this morning, while at work, I found out that she had died.  After 4 days of dying she finally died.

And she had 95 years, some good, some bad, but the good definitely outweighed the bad.

And here I sit, at work, waiting to go home so that I can finally cry.  So that I can finally mourn her.  So that I can hug my husband and get his love in return.

Death sucks.

Here's to you Grandma, may you rest in peace and may your heaven be everything you imagined and more.

Kingsman: The Secret Service

If you removed the 20 minutes or so of gratuitous violence, it'd be a good movie.  Well-written, interesting characters and a decent plot.

But, then, there's those 20 minutes.  20 minutes where I looked away as heads were blown up, people sliced in half, people killed by every object imaginable, and more.
And the worst thing, is that some people wouldn't find those scenes objectionable.  They'd like them.  And that's gross and disturbing and leaves me feeling kinda hopeless about humanity. 

Valentine's Day

So, tomorrow night, there is a poker game/tourney at my SIL's house.  And I told my husband that I didn't want to go and that I would be sad if he decided to go.  Since we just hung out with his family all last weekend.  And what does he do, but decide to go?

Did he not hear me?

Does he not care?

Distance

My grandma's sick and my mom is supposed to keep me updated.  Except, I haven't heard anything since she emailed me this afternoon.

And I'm 3.5 hours away and my sister is even farther and neither one of use knows what to do.  And my mom doesn't keep very connected with her cell phone.

So, it sucks.  And I'm a worrier and it all adds together.

Sometimes, I wish I lived closer.